Poopy Bathtubs

My son pooped in the bathtub today!

I walked into the bathroom to check on him during his bath thinking that I would help him wash up and finish up the bath. My first clue that things were amiss was the wet toilet paper mass stretching from the bathtub to the toilet. At the sight, my toes curled, my heart started racing and the urge to scream, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE!!!!!!" rose quickly to the surface.

An "Oh Quinn, what happened?" passed my lips and he looked up at me with eyes that pleaded to see him and not the mess around him. It caused me to stop and step back for a moment from the situation. As much as I wanted to yell and scream at the disgusting mess I now had the privilege of cleaning up, if I looked closely I saw a boy who knew he had made a mistake. I could yell about the poop and toilet paper and feed the shame and guilt he already or I could focus on him and build our relationship.

We spent the next 20 minutes straining toilet paper and other foreign objects out of the bathtub. As we worked together we talked about how no matter the mistake, he could always come to me without fear of my anger. Sometimes there will be a consequence for his decision that he may not like. But my relationship with him and with his brother Zane is more important than the message my yelling and screaming may communicate.  

Building relationship rather than reacting to the moment is a work in progress for me. As some of you may remember, I confessed to slamming the brakes and yelling at my kids a few weeks ago. My son is 4 years old right now but in a blink of an eye he will be 14 and the mistakes he encounters will be much bigger than pooping in the bathtub.

I am challenged right now by the thought that...
how I respond right now is building the foundation for our future relationship.

~

Hannah is a PCI Certified Parent Coach® and owner of Foundations Parent and Life Coaching. She is passionate about working with parents and individuals who want to build the foundation for a thriving life.

The Rhythm of Thankfulness...Smiling Through the Tears

I'm going to be honest. The past 18 months of my life have been hard. Hard down to the deepest parts of my soul. My heart has grieved as my dream of life and family has been shifted and refined. There have been days that waking up and moving through the simple rhythms of the day have taken all my energy and focus.

Soon after the boys and I moved in my parents I was struck with the truth that even when life doesn't look like what I want it to, there are gifts in that place that must be recognized. Thankfulness is an act of recognition. By recognizing the gifts my heart overflows with hope and joy. Thankfulness has become a key daily rhythm for me and for my boys. It focus' me on what is working in my life and in my parenting.

Every other weekend my boys enjoy time with their dad. Honestly, its been difficult to fall into this new rhythm. Often I want to dwell on the negative...the moments I am missing every other weekend or the stress of arranging our life around this every other weekend schedule. When I do, my heart is heavy and the tears are always near the surface. It is my choice to recognize the gift or not... The gift of time to run without pressure of returning by a certain time, the gift of quiet moments in the morning to sleep, read and journal, and the joy and sweetness of the boy's sloppy kisses and wrestling loudness when they returned Sunday evening. I'm not saying that tears don't rise to the surfaces still but in my recognition of the gift I am able to smile through the tears.

Thoughts for this week...

• What are the gifts of each day?
• How will I recognize the gift each day?

"Trust yourself..."

"...you know more than you think."

The thought of trusting myself challenges me. So often I look to what society says or what my friend thinks I should do rather than trusting myself. The internet and blogs are teeming with suggestions. When I go there, I am bombarded with "The 3 Words that Will Stop Tantrums" or "Follow these 5 Steps and Your Child Will Be Doing All Their Chores with a Smile." Often I leave these postings feeling like a failure as a parent and at a loss because those three words did nothing to change my preschooler's tantrums and we are still battling over chores.

"Trust yourself, you know more than you think" reminds me that often the wisdom I need lies within. I was created to be my children's parents and when I take a moment to be quiet, my knowledge of what my children need rises to the surface. Knowing myself and knowing my children takes time and being intentional. It takes taking care of myself so that I can take care of those around me. For me, it slipping away in the quiet of the morning to run and clear my mind. It is ending the day writing in my journal. As I write, all of the thoughts, fears, and worries find their way onto the page where I can examine them more rationally and find the wisdom within. What do you do to quiet yourself so you can reach within to the wisdom that lies deep inside you?

Questions I am asking myself...
"What do I know to be true?" 

"What does that truth look like for me and for my family?" 

Brake Slamming, Mama Yelling Moments...

The other day I had one of those out of body moments. It was as if I had stepped outside of myself and as I listened to the words come out of my mouth and saw my reaction to the actions of my children, it broke my heart. Have you had one of those moments before?

Here is the scene. We are late. I have repeatedly asked encouraged my youngest to get a move on and he's moving on...at his own pace. It started with wanting one thing for breakfast and then changing his mind. It moved on to being sad and refusing to eat because he was told he needed to eat what he asked for first. The morning progressed with the more exciting adventure of jumping naked on the bed rather than putting his clothes on. We had just finished a 10 minute battle of putting socks and shoes on... Really! Socks and shoes should take 2 minutes tops...and finally made it to the car. However finding the right toy is a lot more interesting than putting the seatbelt on and now we are late and my patience is gone! In my frustration I started driving before he was buckled in and when he yelled, "Mama, I'm not strapped in" I stomped on the brakes and yelled, "I know! I've asked you to buckle up and YOUR NOT LISTENING!!" The car went quiet and the look in both my boys eyes broke my heart. 

It was easy to justify my frustration, yelling, and brake slamming. I had been patiently trying to motivate my youngest all morning with little success. And during the very quiet ride to school I attempted to justify my actions. I want my child to be successful at getting himself ready in the morning and respectful of other people's needs and time. But that voice deep inside quietly reminded me that brake slamming and yelling are not great tools for helping him get there.

Author Emmerson Eggerich teaches that relationships are built on a cycle of love and respect. His popular book "Love and Respect" teaches that in the marriage relationship, the woman wants to be loved and the husband respected and when love or respect is not communicated it throws us into a crazy cycle. His new book "Love and Respect in the Family" shows a similar cycle between parents and children. Children want to be loved and parents want to be respected. So much of parenting is communication. Yesterday I listened to a teaching by Emmerson Eggerich on his new book. I took away many great thoughts and truths about communicating with my children but one of the biggest "ah-ha" moments I had was when my children are acting disrespectfully, is there probably something I am doing or saying that they may interpret as unloving. The key word in that sentence being interpret. I love my children deeply and most of my choices and reactions are based out of this love for them. However, they don't always know that because of what I do or say.

Let's go back to my brake slamming-yelling mommy moment. My youngest was feeling unloved from the moment he woke-up. His deepest joy in life is play and I was waking him up too late in the morning to give him time to play. Later that day, I went to each of my boys and apologized. It is humbling as a parent to admit you are wrong but so powerful in building healthy relationships with our children. Together we decided to try using the music setting on an alarm clock to begin waking both boys up earlier in the morning. This extra time to play has been the ticket to a happier morning in our house. The sock and shoe battles still happen but not every morning. And he still changes his mind about what he wants to eat sometimes, but by understanding his need to play I have been able to communicate love to him and in return he has been showing respect by getting himself ready with time to play!

Questions I find myself asking lately... 
"How are my actions commenting love and are they being received the way I intend them to be?"

If my answer is no, then "what can I do to better communicate my deep and unconditional love for my kids?"

The Story of How I Became a Parent Coach

In the fall of 2012, my life turned upside down. When my marriage of over 10 years suddenly and dramatically fell apart, I found myself waking up to the reality that I was drowning myself in the busyness of life. It had been my desire to live with purpose and intention for many years but I had allowed small and seemly harmless things to take up residence in my life. The constant checking of Facebook, the obsessive following of blogs, and the pursuit of a "perfect" body had robbed me of living each day present and purposeful for that day. I was awaken to the fact that fear was driving my choices and beliefs. I have known from a young age that I was created for relationship with God and that I was loved by Jesus. But there is a difference between knowing and living. There is no fear when I choose to live by faith. In this season, I learned what it meant to live free from fear and fully present in the gifts of today. I learned to put my phone down and to step away from the computer. I learned to stop being busy and start playing with my kids. I learned to let go of how far or fast I'd run and enjoy the act of moving and being. I learned to laugh and to find joy even in the midst of a painful season. 

During this season, I found myself with two young boys that I needed to support and a desire to work with people so that they could too experience life fully present and purposeful. As I researched different options, I stumbled across the Parent Coaching Institute. I had never heard of parent coaching before but as I researched it more, my heart knew this was what I wanted to do. Parent Coaching is a newer field. Coaches partner with parents in a unique relationship that shifts the focus onto what are the gifts and strengths of the family and uses those strengths as the foundation for designing action steps that will move that family towards their preferred future.

I will graduate in March as Certified PCI Parent Coach®. I have started my own coaching practice called Foundations Parent and Life Coaching. My heart is to work with parents and individuals who want to build a solid foundation for a life that thrives. Parenting and living takes being purposeful otherwise busyness and distractions will crowd out the things that are truly important. Sometimes we come to a season of life where we need to be purposeful in establishing healthy rhythms for ourselves and our families. That is when working with a coach can be beneficial. The coaching relationship is all about partnership. We partner together to establish the rhythms that will help you and your family be your best selves. What I know to be true is that when I am working towards being my best self, I give a gift to my children that will impact their future in the best way possible. If you have questions, thoughts or would like more information about parent coaching, e-mail me of give me a call. (503-805-9021)

Gratitude

It is the season of thanksgiving. In the past week, I have been reminded repeatedly of the beauty of a thankful heart. Practicing gratitude is a moment by moment choice. Negativity and the "have nots" assault us constantly and in these moments, I have a choice to make. I can choose to focus on what is bring life and joy or I can focus on what is not.

My heart's desire is to live my life wholeheartedly. My desire is to live present and joyful in all the moments I have been given. This is so much easier said than done! What I notice in my own life is my ability to engage in life becomes a whole lot easier when I practice gratitude in the midst of all things.

I find that as a parent, it can be easy for me to focus on what is not going well in my day or what current behavior in my children I am struggling with. What I have also learned is focusing on these things drains me and my ability to parent well. When I shift my focus to a practice of gratitude, my ability to engage wholeheartedly with my children increases.

Today, in the midst of the craziness of life, the referring of the fights, and the constant need to feed my growing boys, I am thankful for my two boys who make me laugh everyday. I am thankful for walks around the block in the dark with headlamps. I am thankful for a meal shared with my sisters who love me and my boys so deeply and for some crazy good ice cream to finish it off!

Video: A New Perspective for Moms

I came across this video today and it made me pause for a moment and reflect on myself as a mom. In the video, a handful of moms honestly share their own insecurities in their role as mom. A few days later, they are shown footage of their children telling what they love most about their mom. After watching her child share what she loves about her mom, one mom comments that she so easily focus' on the negative but her child tells a very different story.

I invite you to take a moment and watch. The video brought a tear to my eye as I share many of the same insecurities. It was a reminder to me to be gentle with myself and to be mindful of what is most important to me, my relationship with my children.


A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo.